How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria - Episode 7

I'm baaaack.

Really wish I could have recapped episodes 5 and 6 last week, but there was no way and nobody volunteered to cover it for me (Cyprus Hill, I’m looking in your direction.). The move took forever and we won’t be truly settled-in for weeks yet, but the new neighborhood and neighbors couldn’t be nicer. And boy did it ever feel good to see Sudbury and the sister-in-law from hell in the rearview mirror. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are sisters-in-law from? Uranus.

I am still in a bit of shock over Allie’s elimination. I expected her to be in contention right up to the final three. I guess what shocked me the most was the fact that Simon could have saved her and he decided to go for Jayme instead. C’mon – Jayme may be a fine performer, but she’s no flibbertygibbet: Allie is (or was).

Now to the recap.

Host Gavin Crawford informs us this is musical theatre night on HDYSAPLM. Thank goodness. Last week’s mud wrestling theme was such a blatant ratings grab. The eight remaining contestants do Do Re Mi for the show opener. We then get a montage of the women working with dancers and it seems this – singing while dancing – is what is meant by “musical theatre week.” We also learn that the bottom three vote-getters will face elimination with two contestants ultimately getting pink slips.

A few of the women address the camera about their feelings regarding the elimination process. The general attitude seems to be one of group camaraderie, with the voting process seen as more an impersonal force than a critique of contestants’ individual talents. The exception is Donna, who starts her monologue with the phrase. “I’m not going to be bitchy, but….” We get a couple of candid shots of Donna and for the first time we see that she has a grim, hard cast to her mouth when she doesn’t think the camera is on her.

I sense a nickname lurking in the bushes. There it goes. KABLAM!!! Got it!

The first two contestants are Kyla and Prima Donna. This week we get individual evals from Andrew Lloyd Weber before the performances. Of Donna he says that while she’s a great belter, Maria is not a belter and Donna needs to show the judges a softer side. As for Kyla, she must pay attention to her acting as well as her singing.

Kyla does All That Jazz. She starts on the staircase with two male dancers. They do a lift and carry for several steps, allowing Kyla to show off her nylon-sheathed (and rather thickly topped) legs. She has an almost-stumble when they put her down, but recovers well. In general, though, her movements are cautious and hesitant. Worse, she is flat on the money notes at song’s end.

Donna’s Out of My Dreams is a good choice, demonstrating the tenderness that ALW had questioned. But what’s with the dancing? It consisted of a guy dancing behind her and, at one point, touching her outstretched hand has he passed. Gimme a break.

Barrowman reminds us that he played Billy Flynn in Chicago (anybody else notice that this guy never misses a chance to run his resume by us?) and Kyla’s performance didn’t have the snap All That Jazz requires. As for Donna, he loved her singing and mentions nothing about the absence of any dance moves. I guess I’m confused – are the women being judged on their dancing or not?

Overholt agrees with Barrowman regarding Kyla’s performance. She also agrees that Donna finally showed the world her achingly clear, sweet soprano. But then she feels compelled to mention that “all of us” have problems with Donna’s behaviour. Evidently Donna is a bitch who whines over every note from her directors and always has someone else to blame when anything goes wrong. Whoa. That didn’t take long, eh, Prima?

And this is where the weakness of the format chosen for HDYSAPLM is most evident. By focusing on performance only, we miss all the backstage tensions that could have made this series a lot juicier. Less Idol and more Next Top Model, I say.

In any event, Barrowman interjects that he’s never known a good leading lady who wasn’t a bitch, undercutting Overholt’s critique. It’s a stupid crack that gets the cheap laugh he’s looking for. In defense of leading ladies everywhere (even you, John), it’s simply not true. Sure, some are c****, but most of the ones I’ve worked with are too generous and smart to try to make a career out of being a bitch.

Simon says Donna’s money note was “mini and unsatisfying,” and Kyla’s performance seemed tired.

Marisa and Jenna square off. ALW tells the camera Marisa needs to get the vocal side down so securely that she is able to lighten up and enjoy the performance aspects more. As for Jenna, his only complaint is that she squints when she smiles, narrowing her eyes to slits, which won’t work in a large theatre.

Marisa does If I Were a Bell. Unfortunately for her, I grew up on the Diana Washington version and whenever I hear someone else do it, all I notice is it’s not Diana. I know it’s not fair, but that’s how my ears work. On the plus side (or the it-doesn’t-matter-a-whit side), Marisa works with 3 dancers and shows a relaxed, comfortable step.

Jenna, on the other hand, performs Defying Gravity solo and dances not at all, unless they count holding out your arms to let the wind machine catch your Tinkerbelle goes Goth cape. Maybe it’s musical theatre optional night?

Overholt calls Jenna’s a star-making performance. All 3 seem to consider Jenna to be a top contender; which is not to say they weren’t pleased with Marisa’s performance. The difference was that Jenna confirmed the judges’ already high opinion of her skills, while Marisa raised the bar slightly on some rather average expectations. And, again, nothing said about the dancing (or lack thereof).

Over to ALW. Of the next two, Jayme and Tamara, Weber says the former’s “weakness is that because she is so professional she may come over as a little bit brassy,” and of the latter, “The acting side of it and seeing if she can be that free is going to be the difficult part.”

Tamara (wearing the evening dress version of the shiny body suits we will all wear in the near future as we zip about in our flying cars) delivers a passionate rendition of You Must Love Me. Unfortunately she chooses to show her passion by lowering her volume to a whisper that at times confounds the dynamics of her mic. Oh yeah – this musical theatre extravaganza included (for all of one 3 second shot) a poorly lit man of mystery standing off to one side, wearing either a train conductor or an SS officer’s uniform. No dancing allowed.

Jayme’s Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend is most fully realized piece of musical theatre of the evening. Nothing spectacular or new or fresh – but the usual done at all is the exception tonight.

Simon finds Tamara uninteresting and calls Jayme a triple threat. Gavin asks Barrowman if he thinks either of the women could fill a house night after night. John says yes (Jayme) and no (Tamara). Overholt agrees that Tamara doesn’t have it, but she, like yours truly, admits a difficulty in seeing brassy Jayme as will o’ the wisp Maria.

And we are onto the final pairing of the episode. AWL says this about Elicia: “We like her voice but she got a little bit lost as time went on.” Thanks for clearing that up, m’lord. Should we mount a search party, or does she generally just come wandering home on her own? As for the night’s final contestant, Katie, Weber points out that though she would make a convincing dreamy young woman, would we believe her as a woman who could capture the heart of a man like the Captain?

Katie pulls out all the stops on Easy to Be Hard, doing the full one-act play reading so beloved of musical directors everywhere. The staging includes men with their faces grease-painted white, wandering around aimlessly, like pre-I Am Legend zombies.

Elicia does Life is a Cabaret. Like Jayme’s Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend, it is an unspectacular but competent and fully realized production number.

The judges eat Katie alive and slobber over Elicia. Simon outright dismisses her as a serious contender. Barrowmore (“I did Hair in London for the Mirvish’s, so I’m quite familiar with the song.” Oh, yeah? Well I was the first kid in my class to buy the Three Dog Night version, so there.) agrees that Elicia’s was the performance of the evening.

Jenna! Oh, Jenna, this is a little awkward. Might we get that Performance of the Evening award back? Well, yes, we know we just gave it to you several minutes ago, but, you see...