Canadian Idol 6 - Episode 1

Canadian Idol 6 - Episode 1 opens with a Mulroney-narrated 3 minute montage of past seasons before credits have even rolled. There’s no commercial break after the credits so I figure we’re on to it, but no: we cut to a montage of this season’s auditions, followed by a clip of last year’s winner, Brian Melo, serenading the crowd gathered for the Toronto audition, followed by Natasha Benifield doing the same.

Seven minutes in we finally get what we tuned in for: Gary Smeddon (hope I spelled it right, Gary. The close captioning guy wimped out and ignored your last name entirely), Toronto contestant #07023. Gary is so jazzed he gives off sparks. He is, in his own words, “excited, ecstatic, exuberant and nervous. That’s why I’m twitching."), but that’s good ‘cause it looks like Zack has been hitting the Qualudes again. He rubs the sleep crud from his eyes, the drool off his chin and gives Gary a whazzup? (or, as the Queen prefers, “What is, “up”?”). Gary says, “The lights. And me, right now, ‘cause I’m in front of you guys. Hee-haw.” He does Zoot Suit Riot and he’s actually good. But tight ass judge Jake Gold says, “You’re just a really weird dude, man. I just can’t see people voting for you.” Yeah, Jake; God knows there’s way too much weirdness in pop music. Save us. Then Zack chimes in with, “And when you combine that with the atonality, you’ve really got a double whammy going.” Is Gary pissed? Does he freak out because the judges have missed a clearly talented singer? Not a chance. Outside the audition room he says, “I’m too weird, I don’t sing good enough and I’m going home.” Hey Gary – you can sleep on my couch anytime.

Next up, 24 year old Diana Salvatore from Thornhill. Diana is a screamer. She does 8 bars of Piece of My Heart, just in case there’s any doubt about the screamer thing. She scared the baby. No gold ticket for you, Ms D.

No ticket either for Mississauga’s MC (I Can See Clearly Now).

Sixteen year old Taylor Abrahmse does an acoustic version of Tie Your Mother Down. Zack says “The way you sing reminds me of that really bad chewing gum commercial” and Taylor starts playing the Juicy Fruit song without missing a beat. It cracks up the judges and it’s enough to get him the ticket that should have gone to Gary.

Another 16 year old follows, Vanessa Kalala, from Ajax. Vanessa tries to impress them with a long high trill that she misses badly. Next time, girl, remember: simple and solid is better than hard and shaky. She’ll be back.

Toronto’s Tetiana Ostapowych, recently returned from doing “a whole lot of nothing” in LA, nails an Amy Winehouse song and gets a ticket, along with Gold’s advice to show more vulnerability.

After a commercial Scarborough’s Omar Lunan, the oldest contestant so far at 29, is the first contestant to get his own profile. Omar’s a black single dad, raising a son in a neighborhood where the street eats black sons for breakfast (I know. I lived there.) and I immediately put him on my “rooting for” list.

When Omar auditions he has stagy, musical theatre moves and the judges are all over him. Somebody throws him a pen to use as a faux mic. He drops the My Fair Lady moves and earns himself a ticket to the top 200.

Next up are the Pigot Brothers, 27 year old Oliver and 25 year old Sebastian, 2 good looking guys in t-shirts and jeans. Their father, who died when they were 6 and 8, was a harmonica player in a blues band and they grew up with music. Shortly after their father’s death their Bohemian mother took them to Portugal, fell in love with the place and that’s where they grew up. Just kids, they became “karaoke superstars” in the bars and eventually graduated to bar bands. For the past few years they’ve been playing in the UK and they’ve returned to Canada specifically to audition for Canadian Idol.

They audition separately. Big brother Oliver accompanies himself on guitar and sings a folky song I’ve never heard before and now want to hear again and again. He knows what he’s doing, getting right to the heart of the lyric. Gold calls it the best audition they have ever had. Zack asks to hear the brother before they decide.

Little brother doesn’t let big brother down, playing a chunky rhythm guitar to Blue Moon of Kentucky in an assured performance that has Zack exclaiming, “Holy James Dean.” They bring Oliver back in. The judges do everything but offer them BJs. Both get tickets to the top 200. Twenty percent of the top ten has just been determined.

We head from Toronto to the Alberta auditions. Courtney Waldie, from Aux, Alberta tries I Will Always Love You and fails so spectacularly that everybody, judges and contestant, crack up. She starts in on Amazing Grace (“Without the grace,” Mulroney says in a voice over) and the judges are laughing so hard they can’t tell her to stop. They eventually catch their breath and it’s no ticky, no washee, no Courtney.

Calgary’s Franco Baccari, a skinny 25 year old who desperately wants to be an inner city American black kid, does two lines of Sexual Healing, cuts into a improvised rhythmic nonsense syllable thing and refuses to leave when the judges ask him to. He’s still rhyming as he walks out, just ahead of the security guard.

Twenty-three year old guitar teacher Jesse Cottam gets a profile that includes him teaching three 6 year olds (“Sometimes they get energetic and start hitting each other with the guitars.") and fronting his band, 7th Angel. He gets the golden ticket.

Back from a commercial we are introduced to R&B chanteuse Julie Black. She’ll be a part of the Idol cast this season, mentoring contestants in “what it takes to get to the top.” Does that mean we won’t have to endure as many boring guest mentors as in past seasons?

Theo Tams, a 22 year old with the worst case of under arm perspiration I have ever seen, earns a ticket to Toronto with a nice version of Collide.

After a commercial we are on to Edmonton. Aaron Biblow starts. A screamer, he sounds horrid singing heavy metal a cappella. Who wouldn’t?

Jason Morgan needs some seasoning, Alena Cherry takes a swing at I Will Always Love You (can’t they ban songs?) and whiffs, Greg MacKenna does Jack and Diane poorly. When the judges tell him no, he says, “There’s no harm in putting me through.” Gold says, “Yes there is. We’d have to listen to that again.”

The next contestant, Brianne Chalifour, also gets nixed. The judges tell her she needs to get out and see more performers and get some experience singing in front of audiences. She tearfully counters that her graduating class in Leoville, Saskatchewan (pop. 300), had 6 members and the farthest she has ever been is Saskatoon. They cut her some slack and she gets a ticket to TO.

A montage of other, less successful criers follows.

We end with Earl Stevenson, a gangly, soft spoken 23 year old from Lloydminster, Alberta. He been working at Bob’s Backhoe for two months but hasn’t gotten his first pay cheque yet, so he doesn’t know what he’s making. He was a serious snowboarder (has the video to prove it) but hurt his knee. He does a version of Heard It Through the Grapevine that knocks me and the judges on our collectives asses. Beautiful voice, great rhythm. Pigot Brothers, look out.

So maybe the hype isn’t hype. Maybe they do have the best singers yet. Catch you next week.