Canadian Idol 6 - Episode 2

We open with Lloyd Robertson doing As Time Goes By in a passable baritone. They give him a pity ticket to TO.

The Montreal auditions segment starts with Philippe Bournival, a bespectacled 22 year old from Tracy, PQ. He’s dressed in black and does Alice Cooper’s School’s Out, but no, he has nothing of the Goth about him. Too bad. Goth’s have the best uniform, don’t ’cha think? As soon as he starts singing you gotta figure he was listening at the door during Lloyd’s audition, ’cause he does the song in the same music hall baritone Lloyd used. But when he gets to “school’s been blown to pieces, school’s been blown completely,” he does the first phrase in a speed metal monster voice and the second in a soft, drawn out romantic retard (it’s a musical term, honest) and I start thinking about Columbine and Marc Lepine. If they’d given him a ticket to Toronto I would have called the 416 Crime Stoppers line and warned them.

Next up is Adam Olszewski on his red accordion, doing Cohen’s Alleluia. Zack and Farley laugh at him. I hate these guys when they laugh at somebody who is seriously trying their best. But no, Adam isn’t Idol caliber (now there’s a phrase we can all laugh at).

That makes 3 baritones in a row. Is there a baritone trend in pop music and I missed the memo? Maybe they sent it out using a bulk mailer and it landed in the spam folder I delete every morning.

Ralph Zeidan from Laval is totally certain he will get a golden ticket because he is our next Canadian Idol. He’s a “totally self taught musician because basically I’ve never taken any courses.” He also informs us he plays guitar very well (but not in the audition) and we can tell he’s serious about his art because he doesn’t need a Gibson or Martin or Yamaha like those wanna-bes. A Wal-Mart and a song and this guy is good to go. He thinks, “Canada will fall in love with me for the following reasons: basically I am very talented.” Guess he thought he should keep the other reasons secret. “I take those little pop songs and blend it in with my rock and roll style and make a whole concert out of it every week, baby.”

For a guy with such chutzpah in the lobby, he tightens right up in the audition; eyes closed the entire time, his face turned to the ceiling, his hands folded across his belly as if in prayer, he’s a shower singer. Not even Sass doing her silly arm sway can help. When they give him the boot he’s astonished. But he takes the criticism well:

“Well that’s just going to be too bad for them because they just passed on a big talent and that’s very expensive for them and for the competition.”

Hey Zack, Farley: this is somebody you should have laughed at.

Twenty-five year old Khram Sher is the most surreal thing I’ve ever seen, counting the psychedelics. He came to Canada from Pakistan in “2K5.” He is bearded, wearing traditional Pakistani clothes, and can sing, “different things; Hillary Duff, Avril Lavige...” A fan of democracy, he wants the judges to vote on what song they want to hear. While the judges try to get him to just sing, Khram takes their arm motions as votes and starts counting. He finally starts in on Avril’s Complicated and does these slow, cautious club dance moves that have no connection to the tune (moonwalk included) as he sings a chick song in a pleasant tenor. I laugh so hard I split the stitches from my 1992 appendix operation. When he’s done Sass asks him if he’s ever thought about being a comedian and he says, “No. I like hockey.” This guy is a YouTube superstar. Superstar.

Melanie Ouimet is a 26 year old junior web master who loves doing HTML coding. She says she has prepared her voice “and it is perfect.” Heavy set and plain but with a sweetness about her that I can’t resist, I’m hoping she knocks the judges out. Sadly, she does Melilicious in a thin, hurried voice accompanied by stiff, jerky dance moves. Zack tries to blunt the rejection she is about to get by asking, “Do you have a lucky man that you share your meliliciousness with?” The move backfires. “No,” Melanie replies. “I’ve never dated except for prom.”

Amberly Thiessen is a pretty 19 year old from Alberta. She does Wasted and isn’t horrible. I’m thinking that among this bunch, it’ll be enough to get her through to the top 200. It is, but what’s up with the judges? Zack thinks she’s among the best he has seen and Sass thinks she’s top 10. I figure what has gone before has damaged the both of them and hope it’s temporary.

Back from a commercial we get a montage of Mulroney flubs (no, Meech Lake isn’t included. That was his dad). I realize I’m starting to like the guy and hope it’s temporary.

Philippe Langelier is a fat, bald 27 year old bassist in a “speed metal, bar metal, def metal band, whatever you want to call it.” Kind of reminds me of a Goth George Castanza but with a sense of humor. Dressed in black, with aluminum cuffs to his elbows, he does a good Rob Zombie monster voice imitation. His parents are both opera singers. The judges drag his dad in from the lobby and the two of them do a duet, dad singing opera and Philippe doing Zombie. I’m flabbergasted when they pass him on to TO. Looks like the damage may be permanent. God, no – does this mean I’m doomed to become a Ben Friend?

Katherine St. Laurent is another pretty teenager who isn’t horrible. She earns her gold ticket with a version of Love is Battlefield. Zack calls her spectacular. Only in comparison to the spectacularly untalented crop of Montreal auditioners, Zack.

Finally we are out of Montreal and on to Vancouver. Shaun Francisco is first up and from Ben’s “welcome back” I assume he has auditioned before. He accompanies himself on guitar and as his song (don’t recognize it) progresses he creeps forward until he’s almost at the judges’ table. Sass and Farley like his voice but Jake doesn’t find him interesting. For once, I’m with Jake. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s the one time he gets overruled. Top 200, but trust me: no further.

James Thomas Hall, an Australian who has lived on the Island for 6 years, does an original tune that consists of one line repeated over and over: “This songs gonna get stuck in your head.” It was funnier than it reads. He doesn’t get a ticket (hell, he’s got way more potential than Philippe, the Rob Zombie impersonator) but Sass is spot on when she says he should do a kids record. My 16 month old would love him.

Andrew Hennings does Paradise by the Dashboard Lights (weak voice, limited range and a weird side-to-side hop) and the producers smartly let him do the whole 7 minute rock opera. The editing is hilarious. He doesn’t get a ticket, but he gets more face time than anybody else in the first two episodes.

Pat Melito is a young crooner and we get clips of him singing at his steady gig at the Pan Pacific Hotel with Del Richards, Canada’s King of Swing. In a voice over Mulroney says “He uses more hair product than I do,” and he’s not exaggerating – you could shave in the reflection off his oily black hair. If he ever goes in the ocean I shudder to think of the damage the slick will do to the bird population. But he’s a pro without an ego problem and in this competition that’s saying a lot. He gets a well deserved ticket.

The biggest mistake of the night is the failure of the judges to give a ticket to Mozhdah Jamalzadah, a gorgeous, sexy 26 year old who came to Canada in the 80’s when her family fled Afghanistan and the Russian occupiers. Yeah, she was a bit stiff and her voice is breathy in the lower register, but she hit the notes and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Hey girl – work on the presentation and I’ll watch for you next year.

Next is another new Canadian, Vincent Vorkpor, from West Africa. He does Every Woman and I didn’t care for it, but the judges are starved for somebody with a sense of rhythm and they pass him on to TO.

We go to Winnipeg, where Julie Black replaces Mulroney. Kayla Luky is a 19 year old from Venlaw, MB. She does a dynamite, rhythmic version of Black Horse in a Cherry Tree and gets her ticket. The girl could be top 10, but she’s got to do something about the hippie chick hair.

Laura Gallant is our second Love is a Battlefield of the night. A shower singer. She wasn’t confident going in, with good reason. Zack and Jake laugh at her hysterically. After she’s left, Jake tells the others she is possibly in the top 3 worst auditioners of all time.

Katelyn Dawn, our 4th pretty teenager of the night, does an unremarkable version of Hold On and gets a ticket (if she doesn’t make the top 10, Zack is a monkey’s uncle, which some might consider a step up). Sass gives me hope, though. She thought Katelyn was “totally non-descriptive." Sass says she is the sole voice of dissent, which I spell r-e-a-s-o-n.

You can’t help but wonder if the producers have told the judges they want a pretty teenage girl this year.

Sixteen year old Steve Porter ends the show with “Moondance by Michael Buble.” The judges don’t even correct him, and for that they should be fined or fired or something. The song is a Van Morrison composition, dipshits. Now they’ve really pissed me off. Steve’s version isn’t great, but they are really skewing young and he gets a golden ticket. I could live with that, but the praise they heap on the kid is bizarre. No, Sass, he is nowhere near top 10.

Summing up, there wasn’t a performance in the whole show that came close to last weeks Pigot brothers or Earl Stevenson.