Canadian Idol 6 – Episode 31

A Trojan worm attack crashed my system as I was recapping Monday night’s Final 2 episode. A friendly warning to fellow web-surfers: YouPorn is a phishing site, not a YouTube affiliate.

The penultimate episode of Canadian Idol 6 offered convincing proof that the culture wars were won by REO Speed Wagon in 1978. All that you thought was worthwhile over the past thirty years – punk, rap, new country, thrash, hip-hop, world beat, whatever – is as dust in the wind compared to the awesome might of the 70's power ballad. The episode also confirmed what critics of Canadian Idol have been saying for some time – the show is not about talent; it is about the rural versus urban divide that has replaced the effete concerns of Quebec separatists to become this generation’s primary threat to Canadian unity.

I suspect the producers are aware that they are exploiting a fault-line in Canadian culture; but I also suspect they haven’t accurately defined it in their own minds yet. Host Ben Mulroney started the show by announcing it was “a battle of East versus West.” Well, yeah: since Mookie, the last urban singer left in the competition, was eliminated two weeks ago, the competition can now be (mis)characterized as East (Port Hood, NS, for Mitch) versus West (Coaldale, AB, for Theo). But that’s only because the unified front rural/small-town cultures generate has already defeated the fragmented, diverse populations of our urban centers.

But enough with the dime store (dollar store?) cultural deconstructionism: based on the final performances of the final two, who’s going to win?

Mitch started with Paris, a Faith Hill song by Gordie Sampson, the pride of Big Pond, Nova Scotia. Mitch does alright, but so what? His voice is thin and his pitch uncertain; always has been, always will be.

Theo counters with Jann Arden’s Good Mother – just him at the piano. That CI is about regions makes it an unfair venue for performers like Theo. He’s an exceptional artist who has soiled himself trying to be what he thinks the judges think a pop star should be. At least on this song he has to stay at the piano. God forbid he should do his imitation of a rock star (wander aimlessly around the stage, occasionally lunge toward the audience or camera, try to look tough but end up looking gay).

The next songs by both contestants are songs written for them and will be their first single should they win. Both are execrable power ballads that will have trouble mustering more than a couple weeks airplay – and that airplay will just be because stations figure they have to play them, not because viewers will turn to the radio just to hear their Idol.

The final two songs are judges’ choice, and the choices are revealing. Mitch does Bread’s If and Theo does Foreigner’s I Wanna Know What Love Is. Both songs are older than the audience.

Looking forward to the 2-hour finale on Wednesday night – Theo should win hands down, no questions, badda-bing badda-boom, game over, sayonara, somebody wake up the fat lady. But those Maritimers have a flinty edge to them. Albertans used to, but they’ve gone soft now on political power and oil money. We could get a real shock.